Which is More Natural: Polyamory or Monogamy?

Proponents of monogamy argue that polyamory is clearly unnatural, otherwise we wouldn’t experience such intense feelings of jealousy, possession, fear, inferiority, and insecurity.

They also look to other animals who practice monogamy. You may have heard that about 90% of birds are monogamous, which is technically true, but what’s meant by monogamy when applied to non-human animals by biologists is quite different than what the average person means. Animal researchers distinguish between two, sometimes three different forms of monogamy: 

Sexual Monogamy

There's sexual monogamy, which is what most of us usually mean when we use the word monogamy, referring to the practice of exclusive sexual relationships. But this is extremely, extremely rare in non-human animals. 

Social Monogamy

There’s also social monogamy. Which refers to exclusively living with one other partner and cooperating in search of food, finding shelter, and caring for the young.

Genetic Monogamy

In addition, some biologists also make a distinction between sexual monogamy and genetic monogamy, which is the practice of reproducing exclusively with one partner but still engaging in sexual and social relationships outside this primary bond. 

BIologists’ DEFINE MONOGAMY AS “SOCIAL MONOGAMY,” NOT “SEXUAL MONOGAMY”

When biologists use the term monogamy to describe the habits of non-human animals, they are generally referring exclusively to social monogamy, not sexual or genetic monogamy. Although, this may only be a distinction applied to humans, as it’s unclear whether or not any non-human animals exhibit any kind of contraceptive behavior. 

Gibbons, NOT SEXUALLY MONOGAMOUS

For instance, Gibbons usually keep the same mate for life but are not sexually monogamous. Complicating things further, unless explicitly stated, biologists are usually not referring to lifelong exclusivity with a single partner, but rather to the practice of a succession of exclusive relationships, or Serial Monogamy. 

Black VULTURES AND EMPEROR PENGUINS, NOT SEXUALLY MONOGAMOUS

Some argue that humans are serial monogamists by nature, but even this claim is rife with contention. Black vultures are sexually monogamous, but only while their offspring need care from both parents. The same goes for Emperor Penguins. Though they are sexually monogamous for a time, Approximately 85% of Emperor penguins find a new partner every breeding season.

HORNBILLS AND AZARA’S NIGHT MONKEYS, NOT SEXUALLY MONOGAMOUS

And further complicating things, the definition of monogamy, when applied to non-human animals generally does not refer to strict, 100% monogamy, but instead to mostly monogamous couplings. A dynamic playfully referred to as monogamish. Now, there are some examples of non-human animals who practice lifelong, strict, sexual monogamy. Hornbills, for instance. Or Azara's night monkeys.

MALE PRAIRIE VOLES, EXTREMELY MONOGAMOUS

Male Prairie Voles are strictly sexually monogamous for a lifetime. In fact, the male prairie vole is known to attack any other female that approaches him. Researchers have indicated that this behavior is linked to a hormone called vasopressin, which is released when the male prairie vole mates or cares for his young. To test the effect of vasopressin, researchers have injected vasopressin receptors into another, more promiscuous species of vole. And as anticipated, following the introduction of this hormone, promiscuous voles were seen to exhibit strict monogamy. 

Now, to bring this back to humans, vasopressin receptors can be found in the human brain a well. And they vary from person to person. Perhaps this is why some people prefer monogamy, and others don’t. But there haven’t yet been any reliable studies observing the correlation between vasopressin levels in humans, and preferences for monogamy. 

Bonobos and chimpanzees

Now, on the other side of the spectrum, we find bonobos and chimpanzees. The closest genetic relatives of human beings. Bonobos and Chimps are non-monogamous. They mate 1-4x an hour, with up to 12 partners a day

Researchers indicate that they have sex not just to reproduce, but to bond. They have sex to say hello, to say goodbye, when they’re stressed out. And this is why, like humans, they face each other during sex, unlike almost every other mammal. 

Like humans, chimps and bonobos also exhibit Female Copulatory Vocalization, that is, moaning. Moaning almost exclusively found in primates that engage in sperm competition. It’s suggested that the moan is an invitation for other males to compete for the opportunity to mate with the female. And that human females moan for the same reason. In fact, it’s presumed that the head of the human penis is shaped like so to evacuate the sperm of competing males. We are more closely related to chimps and bonobos genetically than chimps and bonobos are related genetically to any other primate.

MAYBE MONOGAMY IS NEW?

Many advocates of polyamory argue that human beings, like chimps and bonobos, are biologically non-monogamous, and were up until the agricultural revolution, when they say that the concept of private property was first invented. The agricultural revolution took place 12,000 years ago. So this is only about 6% of humans’ total time on earth. But there certainly is some debate around this issue, as there is very little evidence and lots of speculation from either side. 

non-monogamous Human groups

Some human groups still practice non-monogamy today. Like the Mosuo, an ethnic group from Southwestern China where everyone is completely sexually autonomous. And Children are raised not by the father, but by the mother’s family. 

Also, for the Bari, an indigenous group in Venezuela, it is customary for women to sleep with multiple men with the belief that that the child will inherit the qualities of each. So, if the mother wants a child who is musical and brave, she can sleep with a drummer and a hunter. 

“nATURAL” HUMAN

Franklin Veaux, author of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory, argues that humans are naturally polyamorous, naturally monogamous, and naturally asexual. Humans are remarkably variable compared to any other animal, and therefore comparisons really can’t be made. He remarks that humans are naturally left-handed, right-handed, ambidextrous, black-haired, brown-haired, bald, polyamorous, monogamous, asexual, aromantic, and that attempting to make claims about how we should or shouldn’t act is fruitless. We should instead be investigating our own intuitions and desires. 

aPPEAL TO nATURE FALLACY

Now, all of these claims fall under the domain of the Appeal to Nature Fallacy, a logical fallacy in which an attempt is made to argue that a thing is good because it is 'natural, or bad because it is unnatural. Just because something is natural doesn’t make it right. Many things are natural: Murder, physical violence, and rape.

Making presumptions about what is natural and what isn’t has been used to justify the unequal treatment of gay people, people of color, women, and others for centuries. So this entire argument about which is more “natural” maybe is best to ignore. But there are many benefits and detriments, and ethical arguments for and against both polyamory and monogamy.